In the interest of breaking news, it’s December 1st, and 2018 has never been so close–much as it was yesterday, and July 21st, and really on any other day this year. I’m sure writers everywhere are sharpening their pencils preparing their lavish, obsequious, inflammatory, or reflective summaries of what this year was and wasn’t. Not to get a headstart or anything, but I’m pretty optimistic going into 2018. There’s so much to be grateful for; so many examples of a world spinning into a rapturous state of happiness for everyone.
So today, I’m taking a break from bashing the broken and belittled (ignoring the fact I’ve taken a week-long break already). I’m going to talk about everything that should prompt unadulterated optimism heading into the future, in my generation’s favorite means of communicating intellectualism, the Listicle.
- We no longer deem petty trivialities like rape or pedophilia worthy of undermining politician’s careers. I’ve never been so excited to make a clean break with the 1950s… or 1850s… or pretty much any of the other 50s.
- Eminem considers himself relevant, and also is doing all of us a favor by speaking out against Trump, sexual harassment, and… mostly Trump. None of his lyrics have ever demeaned, violated, objectified, or advocated violence against women in any way; we’re all really thankful for that.
- Bringing the top global leadership into the hands of every twitter user, whether through eloquent tweets or elegant cultural wars in which our president partakes, has really been an absolute blockbuster for us this year. And by us I’m talking about news outlets. Steven Colbert too, but mostly the news.
- Boy beauty bloggers are a thing now, something that’s really been missing from the profound depth one finds in the beauty tutorial community.
- Nobody knows what Roman numerals do anymore; obviously it’s time those irrelevant usurpers made themselves scarce anyway.
- Also, a lot of people now believe the electoral college is outdated, which is pretty great for LA and NYC.
- North Korea seems to be keeping its head down pretty well over there; no reason for any of us to plan a mass exodus to the bottom of the ocean by any means.
- A brief glance through Wikipedia’s major event page for 2017 seems to indicate Trump is featured in only about 90% of the entries, so it’s relieving to feel assured that we’re being kept informed on a solid variety of issues, not just the attention-grabbing headlines.
- Nobody knows anything about why anyone would have shot at anyone and killed 59 people a while back; we’re really making headway in the intuitive pursuit of Things That Matter.
- In their infinite wisdom, Twitter’s news editors determined that Meghan Markle’s coat was newsworthy today. We’ve never been so blessed.
And there you have it! (If by “it” you mean the surface, or rather a scratch thereon.) Feel free to ruminate further, never do anything I would do, and merry christmas.